by Max R.
Whether I am in active or inactive addiction, my sense-of-self is distorted to the point I believe I am not an alcoholic or addict. But it is not a lack of understanding of my condition that leads me to engage in these behaviors. The denial that I am an addict-alcoholic qualifies me as one. This is not illogical. I am neurologically vulnerable to pursue intoxication. Yet, I am still accountable for my actions. I do selfish irresponsible things because I’m an addict, and I’m an addict because I can’t stop doing these selfish irresponsible things, even when I want to.
My addictive tendencies are rather predictable, and make sense medically, while my reasoning to pick up another drink or take part in further substance abuse is far from logical. The thought process behind this behavior is illogical, not the addiction itself.
This is why it is extremely difficult to bring me to a rational enlightenment that my thinking is flawed. Just as it’s difficult to engage in a logical discussion with a hysterical person, it is almost impossible to argue logically with a person in active addiction or thinking addictively.
From my first use to my first day of sobriety last December 2, I had gone through countless cycles of abstinence and extended periods of heavy using. The long periods of abstinence eventually make me miss using and my long periods of use make me miss sobriety.
Countless times have I lost my sobriety in an attempt to challenge my disease when it turned out the only thing being challenged was my ego, and my ego always lost. My disease tells me “I obviously don’t have a problem anymore.”
But, from attendance at AA and other therapeutic meetings, and listening to the stories of other alcoholics and addicts, I know I’m powerless over my disease of addiction.